I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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