he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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