i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
