dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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