In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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