Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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