Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
