I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
