i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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