MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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