dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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