I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
