DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
