Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
