I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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