How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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