My sheets look like a crime scene.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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