I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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