you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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