btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
