Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
