I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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