There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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