Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
