I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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