when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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