Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
