I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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