a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
