i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
