I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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