Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
