I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
