I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
