Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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