i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
