I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
