There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
