i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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