I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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