you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
