Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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