all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
