Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
