what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
