If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
