best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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