I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.