Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Boobs are out for the taking
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
