I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
