I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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