3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
