Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
