How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
