my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
