he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
ttyl tear gas
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Randomize
