if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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