So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
