and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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