I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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